so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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