they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
