You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
