I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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