Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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