your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
