I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
