Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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