I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
