Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
