I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
