I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dont lie about slip and slides
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize