A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
