ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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