I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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