Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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