So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
