so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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