I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
