did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
