Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
