I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
