my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
