Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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