Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
