I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
