I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
