MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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