Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
