I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
