Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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