it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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