See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
