Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
