You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
