chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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