Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
