I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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