I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
