Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
honey bunches of taint.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
