It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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