i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
