Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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