I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
this is an emotional support booty call
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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