take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
