i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
