Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
