3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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