her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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