just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
