Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
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